Touch and go

Dear Ella

Touch and go - but go it was and we have made it through Christmas and this morning out the other side - with just NYE to come.

I usually describe our Christmas (when asked "what are you doing for Christmas"?) as muddling through - and that's exactly what we did - "muddled through" - with family and friends muddling along with us.

The muddling approach I have decided is quite good - part of my determined approach to not be so in control and let things be/go/happen. It can be both pleasantly surprising and terrifying at the same time.

We raised a glass to you on Christmas Day and you were constantly in our thoughts.  Mum too was close by as Jim Reeves sang out from the music player and the Tio Pepe was passed around.  Traditions make and shape families and events - and are useful to hang onto - but also a way to be brave as one learns to let some of them go.  No viewing of "Love Actually" this Christmas Eve - not needed!

Many, many things to be grateful for - here are a few from Christmas…

"Your Ella's Mum"?   I was stopped in Asda with that question recently - three wonderful words.  "Yes I am"  (and always will be).

Decorating the Christmas Tree with Sophie - familiar baubles and decorations - with many memories as each one is carefully unwrapped.

U Bob operating a selfie stick - Oh my we laughed till it hurt - see below

Walking, walking, walking - though maybe not enough - wet weather stopped play at times

So - as ever, on we go into 2016

Stay close my beautiful girl

Love you loads

Mum
XX

Kurt in Bath

Dear Ella,


Allington is very quiet tonight - in comparison to three years ago, just me and the guys (Brian and Fizz). and Adele (Mum music) singing on the TV.

Comfortable and familiar - home - yours, Sophie's and mine and always will be.

You were with me in Bath this afternoon - It was meant to be - there was a Kurt Jackson exhibition.  Astonishing, breathtaking landscapes of the ocean, countryside and Glastonbury.  An artist you loved and studied when you were at Ashton Park.  One of your Kurt influenced pairings raised £2,000 for TCT at the Party for Ella in November 2013.

Sleep tight beautiful girl

All my love
Mum
XX

Three years then...

Dear Ella,

Three years then - neither long nor short.  Just normally formed 365 x 3.

May be your surprised to see me sitting quietly still instead of chasing mountain tops in wildest Wales - maybe it's good to be still and just be - we'll see.

There is never a night where I don't hold you and Sophie tight before I fall to sleep - clambering through my memories from your last few days and trying to find the ones from the times before you were ill.

What would you be doing now if you were here now?   I don't meant like literally "here" as in on the blue sofa at Allington - as I am sure you would be somewhere doing your thing…….

Carefully skittering, skimming across the top of daily living  - is how most days go, avoiding the obvious, patching around the wound - building a raft to hang onto.  It's not awful - its surprisingly easy - just keep moving with the rest of the world.

Slipping and sliding on we go - one foot in front of the other.

Missing you an incredibly huge amount.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Chilli

Dear Ella,

A cozy Monday evening home - with a big bowl of Chilli Con Carne - your favourite.

Think it was up to scratch.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

I remember

Dear Ella,

I heard this Jewish prayer read beautifully yesterday at the farewell to lovely Emily.  If you replace "we" with "I" and "them" with "you", its exactly how it is for me - everything (thank goodness) reminds me of you.

You continue to always be just there or there abouts, my mentor, conscience and cheker in with

Lots of love

Mum
XX




At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.

Energising September

Dear Ella,

It's September, my favourite month of the year, especially if there is golden mellow Autumn sunshine.

There is a sense of new beginnings in the air.  Maybe due to the ingrained back to school regime that even when you are no longer part of that routine still impacts as the population settles back into familiar rhythems, traffic increases and there is generally a air of greater bustle and purposefulness - rather than sloth like August.

I love the colours of the trees, the abundance of seasonal vegetables and fruit (love an english apple), and believe it or not the promise of cosier months.

September was kind to us three years ago - the promise that you were on the mend and the road to recovery in front of you.   A few weeks of positivity till the train crash in mid October.  Sophie was starting her final year at 6th form ("back to school") - as ever getting on with life and we were all just moving forward albeit tentatively.

So yet again this year, Sophie has "gone back to school", year three in Cardiff.  The house feels quiet this morning, but its nice to be indulging in Allington comfort and familiarity, (shame there is no mellow Autumn sunshine pouring into the kitchen).

Time to open the front door - go for a run, get on and get things done - and lovely here comes the sun.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

20!

Dear Ella,

Our girl turned 20 today.  An event, no longer a teenager in actual terms, maybe in spirit and state of mind (the same as all of us) at times.

Happy, excited and looking forward to birthday celebrations with friends and life in general. How very lovely.

The same age as you - a good age, neither grown up nor a child - on the brink of moving forward, finding oneself (eventually), establishing (unknowingly), learning quickly (slowly at times), care free (ish) and living in the moment.

Go for it or Soph - behind you all the way

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

Danse Macabre

Dear Ella

Another reminder….

Messing around on Spotify and came across Danse Macabre   Memories of you as a little girl dancing around the lounge at Glentworth Road, baby elephant like - practising for a school show/assembly of some description.

I think we all knew you would never be a professional dancer….

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Pain

Dear Ella,

A random comment by a colleague at work and all of a sudden I was back in your world of pain, reliving the moments of your cancer journey that were so very physically painful.

The colleague said "I never realised cancer could be so painful" referring to a friend of his.   None of us do - until we actually have it and have to live with it.  I haven't so don't fully know just how painful it can be - but I sat with you through your pain - willing the morphine and cocktail of drugs to kick in and take the pain away.  Breathing and crying with you - I don't know how you did it.  The long, long nights were the very worst - with daylight somehow working with the drugs to make the pain diminish.

What a blessing to discover that within the NHS their are people called "pain management nurses"- who work their magic with a sophisticated hierarchy of drugs making day to day living much more manageable.

 You were very frightened at times - no wonder

No more pain now….

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Kicks galore

Dear Ella,

Its been a while since I committed fingers to keyboard and dropped you a line, but I am sure you can feel the constant "Dear Ella" in my daily thoughts and doings.

Ups and downs, ins and outs - best describes the past two months since I "formally" dropped you a line.

"Everything changes and nothing remains still" Plato   Which I think is good - to move on through life I know I need change, challenges, new perspectives and at times a bloody massive kick - which of course only I am allowed to give.

Inertia = lethargy and bouts of maudlin self pity.  What a waste of time and energy.

Kick - went to a festival and wore wellington boots for 48 hours.  Tried twice to be miserable but said kicking worked and I had fun.

Kick - was silly with very longest serving girlfriends - and laughed till we cried

Kick - we had a lovely picnic on your birthday, the sun shone and we all smiled

Kick - continuing to learn to let go of trying to be in charge all the time

Kick - another arts and crafts attempt.  Rough and ready - but strangely therapeutic

Kick - gentle patience with Grandad on lovely weekend away.  Learning to walk slowly and sit and watch boats bobbing around - for ages!

Kick - its OK to do nothing to some times balance the keeping busy - just be still and enjoy the still.

All of those kicks mixed up with other stuff, has left me feeing surprisingly nice.

Lots and lots of love

Mum
XX

Five years ago

Dear Ella

Five years ago - we had a lovely time, all of us together, so many special memories - and what lovely words. You have indeed moved away from home, clearly not in the way we thought you would, but you have.   Sophie has just moved back home - so hopefully plenty of doing nothing special.

What would you be saying and doing five years on?

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Note to self!

Dear Ella,

“Most of us are experts at solving other people’s problems, but we generally solve them in terms of our own and the advice we give is seldom for other people but for ourselves.”

- Nan Fairbrother, The House in the Country

So true…

Lots of love

Mum

XXX

OOF

Dear Ella

So much and yet so little to say….

New York - loved MOMA
Philadelphia - easy, familiar reassuring times with Gaynor and Ian
Work - all consuming, distracting and exhausting - but good
Spring/Summer - here and there, has it been and gone, will it ever come, will I ever where summer clothes in the UK again?
Sweet Peas - finally planted some for you
Running - like billy oh (well by my standards), Run for Ella 3 is next weekend.  Small team - but hey it will still be a good moment in time.  We are about to hit £126k for TCT - and on we go……..
Friends, friends and more friends - love em all - yours and mine
Makeup - you would have been proud of me today - had yet another go at new brands and slap - not sure it was quite right - apparently suits the more mature skin (!!!!!!!) - washed it all off when I got home.
20 - is the age Sophie will be in August - the same as you!
Festival - approaching in July - must be mad….

Missing you loads

Lots of love

Mum

XX

So lovely

Dear Ella,

Lots of lovely Ella memories this weekend.

Firstly from when you were very small - like baby size and a toddler. Caught up with Mandy over a glass or two of wine - sitting in the bar at the Tate Modern overlooking the Thames and the City (you would have approved big time of the venue).  We remembered meeting when we were both pregnant and waddling with you and Max in our respective tummies, and then the agonising first months of motherhood (Mandy so much better than me I think). Hysterical and anxious at every twist and turn of being in charge of a tiny baby - terrifying.

Then on FB today - Annie shared this message you set her back in 2008.  I could almost hear your voice… pizzas and one of your favourite DVD's.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Annie Archer commented on a post from April 26, 2008.

Ella Redman‎Annie Archer

April 26, 2008 ·

ha ha,
I have just finished all of my art, and ended it with a very tackey quote, which you will DEFINANTLY hate me for:
"Art is not what you see, but what you makes others see" By Edgar Degas
ha ha love it
xxx
p.s - I orderd you a margeretia pizza, and wanna watch blades of glory?

Like · Comment

3BT's

Dear Ella,

Still trying to remember our 3BT's philosophy most days.  Today off to a  great start.  Awake early with a busy brain and could see the sunshine peeping round the edge of the blinds in my bedroom.

1.  Out of bed (cautiously - watch that left knee and hip), running kit on and off out for a gentle three miles around harbour side  Peaceful, sunny and spacious  So good for the heart, soul and mind.

2.  Love a duck as you know.  Very nearly stopped in my tracks - three beautiful ducks settled and gently quacking outside the Arnolfini.

3.  Home - bits and pieces in the kitchen reminding me of a lovely late supper last night with Maya - so much energy and vitality (Maya not me).  You used to say "you'd really like Maya Mum, she's just your kind of person".  You were right - just my kind of person.

Missing you so much

Lots of love

Mum
XX

No drumming

Dear Ella

"No drumming at night"!

Only finally gone and done it - have booked tickets to go to a festival. WOMAD - so maybe a bit tame by your standards, but the tickets have arrived with a list of rules and regulations including no drummingat night.  So I wont.

Lots of love

Mum

XX

For the record

Dear Ella,

For the record - I now have vitamin B tablets as companions for my vitamin D tablets.   Mission accompanied with varifocals firmly in situ!

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Vitamin B not D!!

Dear Ella,

Ageing gracefully or maybe its disgracefully?  Not really a problem - after all its what's meant to happen its just I sort of think its happening to other people and not me - that is until "smack in my face things happen" - here are a few:

1.   Varifocal glasses are now the norm - which of course means I should wear them all the time - but don't, due to both vanity and convenience.  So in Boots the other day, I purchased what I thought were Vitamin B tablets (remember - no one likes a mood swim, Christmas post) - only to get them home and find they were Vitamin D. Still I am sunshine rich now.

2.  Interviewed at a conference on video - the clip was sent to me.  Could have been Granny…..  and when did I get those lines dropping down from my mouth to my chin, (maybe they are dribble channels for when I get really old)

3.  Staying in our lovely SACO Apartments in Lambs Conduit Street last week.  Got in the lift and took us all up to the third floor as was convinced the check in details said apartment 301, but on donning said varifocals discovered it was apartment 101.  Back down the the first floor we all had to go.

3. Noise - anyone else's, no longer acceptable, my chosen and created noise is of course acceptable.  Suspect this is not just about reduced noise tolerance - but generally getting less tolerant overall.

4. Galvanising various body parts - before leaving sanctuary of duvet in the mornings.  Stiff hips and will my left knee be having a good day day or just plain indifferent?  It's the big debate at Allintgon every morning.

5.  Looking across at a group of people and thinking - crikey they're old, only to realise they are all out celebrating a 50th (the balloon with with a 5 and 0 on it was the clue), so younger than me!!!! How can that be?

6.  Pension focused - well "semi focused", left it all a bit late really, but pensions are a common debate amongst peers as well as "who is retired?" "whose thinking of retiring?" "who would like to retire?" "what will you do when you do retire?" and "who can afford to retire?.  Note - I fall into the fourth question bracket - "just what will I do?"

Just a few snippets from life at post 50 stage…….its actually all quite good fun (despite the above), less responsibilities, slightly more grounded and accepting of what life throws at me, an amazing circle of friends and family that have developed over the years and can make me laugh at myself and as ever your as young as you feel.

When you were born, one of the midwifes said to me "ah wonderful a baby girl - she'll keep you young when you get older", she was right - you and Sophie keep me real, dressed accordingly and the right side of turning completely bonkers.  Thank you!

Lots of love

Mum
XX

From a distance

Dear Ella

Made it all the way to the seaside and feel better.  Viewed Woolacombe from a wary distance  - that was enough, and reflected quietly on the all happy times you spent there.

By the magic of Facebook - Annie told me to look out for the chalets at Saunton that you headed for post A level celebrations way back when. Marketing hype and a few years on - they are now called "beach villas" - check you out!  It was nice to imagine you there having the time of your life.

By co-incidence it was Mothering Sunday today - a commercial frenzy of cards, flowers, lunches out and any other way that money can be made.  That said its a good reminder to stop and think about Mum's and everything they stand for.  Missing mine as ever - the greatest backstop that anyone could wish for when life dishes out its worst, and of course it's best.

As you well know - there is no shaking me off, I will always be your Mum or "Ella's Mum" as I was so often called, and was very loved by Sophie Rose this morning with the most beautiful and thoughtful gift that I opened as instructed today - rather that the day it arrived in the post last week.  As ever, I listenhard for your words of wisdom and guidance to help me learn to be the best Mum I can be to a 19 going on 20 year old - and hope I am doing OK.

Watching the sea today - it made me think about love - endless, infinite, restless, turbulent, choppy, calm and above else always there.

So as ever - lots of love

Mum
XX

Being brave

Dear Ella,

Feeling brave (ish) - so thinking I may tackle a visit back to Woolacombe this weekend.

It will forever be your beach and one of your favourite places.   Learning to surf, swimming, playing in the sand dunes, sunbathing on the grassy area, visiting the surf shops and in later years making good use of the various bars and eating spots.

The waves will of course still be rolling in as they always do, they never stop - just like your always close by and in our hearts and spirit.

Lots of love
Mum
XXX

Twists and turns

Dear Ella,

Another week of twists and turns at a pace "rapido" - even by my standards a bit too fast. 

Surprise revelations (and I don't mean who killed Lucy Beale - though we did finally find out last night) that were very personal and "oh......".  

Talk of you - when I was least expecting it - nice but had to hang on tight.

Warming, successful news from Cardiff - our girl would seem to be storming the world of neuroscience.

Realisation that I have developed a peculiar habit of trying to peer round corners, for example craning to follow the curve of a train snaking out in front - in the vain hope that you might be there - just around the corner.  Bonkers or what!

Foggy experiences on Peros Bridge - love an art installation - but not as much as you.

Birthday parties for uncles - candles, presents, songs and everything - lead of course by your endearing tiddly cousins T&K.

Brian went AWOL for 48 hours …..then reappeared like nothing had happened.

Peaceful and reassuringly familiar catch up with lovely Annie - what a treat had her all to myself.  So easy to chat about you and Sophie and all those happy days at the Pump House.  Lots of Woolacombe references - more news on that to come.. still not been brave enough to go back there - yet.

And as ever - have reached the island called the weekend and am literally at our island as in kitchen with some tunes on - and just calming and winding down and feeling you all around.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Pyjama kind of a day

Dear Ella,

The island called "the weekend" has arrived - what a week!

So a lovely release to be cosily "pyjamed" up and drifting round the house doing nothing and everything in particular with my Ella playlist turned up full volume.

Not really complaining - it's lovely to be so involved, appreciated and busy.   Hopefully "bright and shinning" to your satisfaction.


Can feel your dark brown eyes staring at me and your warm hands holding mine tight - am holding yours right back.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Surrounded by you

Dear Ella,

Lots of familiar memories this week.

Long waits in hospitals, making friends with medical staff, walking with someone you love nearly all the way into the operating theatre, the 2 am call for pain relief, cups of tea and bedside chats at 5am, waiting for a long night to be over and another day to start, buying lovely food and cooking it just right to tempt and cajole recovery and wellness.

It's so easy to do when you love someone a lot like you or my lovely Dad.   Brave and ancient Grandad  - so determined and stalwart about trying to hear and see again - so that he can join in life full time, rather than hanging around on the fringes.

You were all around "literally" as I enjoyed my sleepovers at the bungalow - surrounded by photos of you, Sophie, Tommy, Kezia - and there were even a few of me and the uncles, looking considerably younger I might add!  Even Christmas cards and notes from you to Granny…..

So a long old week, nice its now Saturday with time to sit back and do whatever feels right - like go for a run and write to you.

Ran to you tree, its a bit bare - but your ribbons were blowing energetically in the January afternoon breeze.  There is a red ribbon now - I wonder who that is from.

 I sat for  a while and concentrated hard on you and re read what your tree says "Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, but abut dancing in the rain".

We are all dancing as often as we can.

Lots of love
Mum
XX

Me and Brian

Dear Ella,

Just saying , "me and Brian = best mates"!

She misses her number one fan soooooo much.

Remember when she was a kitten and you used to make her chase the torch beam from your phone?  No longer a kitten but endless time now spent chasing her own tail.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Amsterdam

Dear Ella,

It was on your list - you never made it - but I have been and had a look for you.

Its very nice and lots of new things to take in:

Rijksmuseum   Stunning, beautiful building - filled with extraordinary paintings "old Dutch Masters" in the main, not really mine or your scene, but never the less, fabulous to see them close up and appreciate the intricacies and stories behind them.  Think Vermeer "the Milkmaid" and Rembrandt "The Night Watch" and then there was "Cobra" not a painting, but a movement like Impressionism or Surrealism.  Quite startling and in your face, not restful to my eyes.

Coffee houses galore - very aromatic smells coming out of them!

Bikes - millions of them, need eyes in the back of your head to avoid getting run over by one.  But also made for a peaceful city, not clogged with cars and traffic jams, so shades of Venice.

Bread - seemed to eat a lot of this - it appeared at every meal - rude not to.

Architecture - stunning, beautiful buildings everywhere, easy on the eye, satisying shapes built on the edge of endless canals, with big windows letting in the January sunshine.  City centre living looked good to me.

Stylish - the people, shops, restaurants and overall look and feel was cool and stylish without being pretentious and snobbish.  Clean, uncluttered, calm and at ease - my lasting impressions.

I will be going back - for me and you.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Sainsbury's profits down

Dear Ella,

Sainsbury's announced this week that their Christmas profits were down this year v last year.  Well it wasn't for lack of support on my part I can tell you…..I think I might hold the December record for buying the most fruit and veg of any of their customers.

Anyway, as a result we are all fairly healthy at Allington and back in Cardiff and that's no bad thing.

I can clearly remember taking you to Sainsbury's when you were a little girl and pushing you round in the trolley…

Lots of love

Mum
XX

We are all made of Stardust

Dear Ella

“We ourselves are made of Stardust.” 
― Carl Sagam


2015 - here we go, secure in the knowledge that we are all made of stardust.  Of course you know that being a lover of all things up in the stars.   But its a new one on me - and when I saw the quote I thought of you and I thought "I like that".  Stars are amazing - cosmic energy engines, some stand out from the rest, their brightness being a factor of how much energy they put out.

Am hoping to be "bright" this year generating lots of cosmic energy and get on and do stuff and things and be as ever surrounded by friends and family.

So thanks for the inspiration - if it hadn't been for your love and passion about stars and space - I wouldn't have stopped and paid attention at the Royal Observatory in Greenwich  in London on New Years Day.

The Ella Bella star - still shining for us every day

Lots of love

Mum
XX