Dear Ella,
Because I can - I am. Think it might be my new mantra, because I can - I run, because I can - I laugh, because I can - I fully try to be in the moment, yesterday is history, tomorrow is the future, today is right now, my moment and I am doing my very best to live it. Always mindful that you never fully got the chance and "here but by the grace of god" - I have been given the chance.
For you......
Lots of love
Mum
Xxx
Saturday 28 June 2014
Wednesday 18 June 2014
Happy Birthday me
Dear Ella,
Well that was a busy birthday day - I know you were with me all the way, especially first thing at the Radio Station - where I was asked to recount some of your story. It was painful and made me realise just how much of the really awful cancer moments are buried deep down - and not often allowed to bubble up to the surface. The diagnosis day (s), the endless hours and weeks in hospital, the feelings of hopelessness, despair, disbelief and pain beyond pain - physical and spiritual.
But then of course there were some amazing times - where we laughed, cried, hugged and just clung on - and as I have said before, I would do it all again - just to have you back
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0213w5x
So an emotional start - along with the shock of realising I am now 54, then onto a busy day at work, a train ride to London, a bit of late corporate do - involving wine, dancing and some very nice people.
All to a tidal wave of birthday wishes and love from friends and family - coming in on text, Facebook, e mail and the phone. Very, very lovely.
..and best of all from Sophie a card -
Dear Mum
Happy Birthday!!!
Love you lots, even when your being annoying!!!
Love Sophie xxxxxxxxxxx
Bet that makes you smile - you taught her well
Missing you so much.
Lots of love
Mum
XXX
Well that was a busy birthday day - I know you were with me all the way, especially first thing at the Radio Station - where I was asked to recount some of your story. It was painful and made me realise just how much of the really awful cancer moments are buried deep down - and not often allowed to bubble up to the surface. The diagnosis day (s), the endless hours and weeks in hospital, the feelings of hopelessness, despair, disbelief and pain beyond pain - physical and spiritual.
But then of course there were some amazing times - where we laughed, cried, hugged and just clung on - and as I have said before, I would do it all again - just to have you back
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0213w5x
So an emotional start - along with the shock of realising I am now 54, then onto a busy day at work, a train ride to London, a bit of late corporate do - involving wine, dancing and some very nice people.
All to a tidal wave of birthday wishes and love from friends and family - coming in on text, Facebook, e mail and the phone. Very, very lovely.
..and best of all from Sophie a card -
Dear Mum
Happy Birthday!!!
Love you lots, even when your being annoying!!!
Love Sophie xxxxxxxxxxx
Bet that makes you smile - you taught her well
Missing you so much.
Lots of love
Mum
XXX
Friday 13 June 2014
Perceived
Dear Ella,
Perceived views of other peoples lives are a deception, what goes on behind closed doors and all that.
What you think (well at that moment in time) and what you actually see and hear can be very different.
As I get older, people and people in relationships never cease to amaze and interest me. We have now - today such a HUGE amount of choice and options, the only trouble is - its all grey rather than black and white.
Previous generations may have basked in the black and white, right and wrong regime - simple but as painful as the new grey.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Perceived views of other peoples lives are a deception, what goes on behind closed doors and all that.
What you think (well at that moment in time) and what you actually see and hear can be very different.
As I get older, people and people in relationships never cease to amaze and interest me. We have now - today such a HUGE amount of choice and options, the only trouble is - its all grey rather than black and white.
Previous generations may have basked in the black and white, right and wrong regime - simple but as painful as the new grey.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Sunday 8 June 2014
Approaching 54 - and still not been run over!
Dear Ella,
Approaching 54 - great news I still haven't been run over by a car, bike, lorry, bus or any other type of road machine.
Remarkable - given that you haven't been around for the last 18 months to check my road crossing skills………one of your wonderfully quirky ways - checking that I was crossing safely and telling me off when in your opinion I didn't. "Green Cross Ella" - could have been your name.
Anyway, turns out others have picked up the role. In Bath this weekend I was told off numerous times for not "crossing properly", "wait for green", "careful", "what are you doing" - could have been you.
But as I used to say to you and I said to MK this weekend - "Gee Whizz - I am nearly 54 and have never been run over yet"!!!!!
Honest guys - I can look after myself - I promise.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Approaching 54 - great news I still haven't been run over by a car, bike, lorry, bus or any other type of road machine.
Remarkable - given that you haven't been around for the last 18 months to check my road crossing skills………one of your wonderfully quirky ways - checking that I was crossing safely and telling me off when in your opinion I didn't. "Green Cross Ella" - could have been your name.
Anyway, turns out others have picked up the role. In Bath this weekend I was told off numerous times for not "crossing properly", "wait for green", "careful", "what are you doing" - could have been you.
But as I used to say to you and I said to MK this weekend - "Gee Whizz - I am nearly 54 and have never been run over yet"!!!!!
Honest guys - I can look after myself - I promise.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Wednesday 4 June 2014
Still
Dear Ella,
Was reminded of these words this evening - they make more sense to me now than they did in November 2012 - thank you for being with me.
Was reminded of these words this evening - they make more sense to me now than they did in November 2012 - thank you for being with me.
Still by Char March
| Listen. There is this silence now. This stillness. Gradually we will get used to it. But, for now, it is strange. You have left such a gap. Our world is in shock, holding its breathBut listen closer – all your laughter, all your love is still ringing out. Still holding us.All our memories of you are still with us. All the love we shared is still in every one of us. And although we ache from this loss of you, you will always be here – as still and steady, and fierce, as any star.Look. You are shining bright through all our skies. Thank you for being here with us. Lots of Love Mum XX |
Monday 2 June 2014
Summer
Dear Ella,
Summer has arrived, as in - we are now in early June. So am bracing myself for three months of long hot sunny days, enabling endless leisurely evenings in the garden, picnics at the weekends, outings to the seaside, cool bedding, non stop flip flop wearing, the purchase of new sun tan lotion, complaining about it being too hot, having to constantly water plants, humid walks to work, long cold drinks, BBQ's, lots of open windows, shorts, summer dresses and so on.
Get the picture? If only……… some things never change. I wait in anticipation for summer to come - peering anxiously at the weather forecast, getting excited if the sun is out, never daring to leave the house without a coat or jacket - even if it is warm, thinking those flip flops will do one more summer, there wont be many days where I need them, not hanging up my summer clothes - better to leave in a ragged pile in corner of room - nearly ready - just in case and whinging that we don't have good summers - can't remember when the last good one was type thing (reality check - last year was actually pretty good).
On we go - the year cycles through the seasons as it always does - with a sense of familiarity, inevitability and in this instance hope - just maybe the sun will shine this Summer.
Missing my summer girl's and sunbathing buddies……
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Summer has arrived, as in - we are now in early June. So am bracing myself for three months of long hot sunny days, enabling endless leisurely evenings in the garden, picnics at the weekends, outings to the seaside, cool bedding, non stop flip flop wearing, the purchase of new sun tan lotion, complaining about it being too hot, having to constantly water plants, humid walks to work, long cold drinks, BBQ's, lots of open windows, shorts, summer dresses and so on.
Get the picture? If only……… some things never change. I wait in anticipation for summer to come - peering anxiously at the weather forecast, getting excited if the sun is out, never daring to leave the house without a coat or jacket - even if it is warm, thinking those flip flops will do one more summer, there wont be many days where I need them, not hanging up my summer clothes - better to leave in a ragged pile in corner of room - nearly ready - just in case and whinging that we don't have good summers - can't remember when the last good one was type thing (reality check - last year was actually pretty good).
On we go - the year cycles through the seasons as it always does - with a sense of familiarity, inevitability and in this instance hope - just maybe the sun will shine this Summer.
Missing my summer girl's and sunbathing buddies……
Lots of love
Mum
XX
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