Monday 28 April 2014

Ella's Mum

Dear Ella,

Today I was introduced as Ella's Mum so many times - I lost count.  I love that title so much, I know now that I always will be your Mum and Sophie's - my best and most favourite pastime of all.

It was used with reverence and care at a time when people that  you loved and cared about so much are ragged with grief, disbelief, incredulity and loss.  

Once again the natural order and stance of life has been knocked wide out of kilter and its so hard to compute and make into some kind of sense.  Best not to - just go with the flow, ride the pain and see where it washes you up - having some confidence that the network of friends and family will hold you safe as you navigate the storm.

As I walked home this evening - the rain poured down - like it did in November 2012 - sad, wet, saturating rain - crying for the waste of beauty and youth.

Words are useless - but important, just difficult to find ones that are even anywhere near right - as ever I am listening carefully to hear what you would think to say and do.

Lots of love

Mum
XX







Thursday 24 April 2014

Fragile

Dear Ella,

Life's very fragile - none of us know when it might just not be what its meant to be anymore.
Carpe Diem…….if one can.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Monday 21 April 2014

Bugger!

Dear Ella,

Bugger!  Just back from a few days in the Derbyshire Hills - walking, resting, eating, drinking and laughing.  Such a good time and so therapeutic to physically walk till "I nearly drop" - and have such easy company to hand.  But "bugger" your still not here when I get home…….another shattering dose of reality.

The walking is made even better by the big open skies, the weather (sunshine and blue skies - through to blustery winds, drizzle and chilly mists - I like it all), the vistas and the names that tumble out of the mouths of the old timers -  "we'll cross the Kinder Plateau, missing Ringing Roger, skirt round Grindslow Knoll, drop down the Grindsbrook Clough and head for the Nags Head".  Pure poetry, mesmerising to listen to and so fortunate to just follow along.

I like being up high and notionally thinking that I might be a little closer to where you might be circling around. We rescued a lamb, counted baby ducks, admired the stone walls, found a cave that Robin Hood hid in (really!), scrambled up rocks, came upon an old millstone quarry, drank lots of cups of tea (and beer and wine), ate picnic lunches in sheltered spots, dreamt of doing up ruined houses, jumped over bogs (and into them at times), chatted and didn't chat - but mostly just kept moving - one foot in front of the other.  Therapy doesn't come much better than that.

Lots of love

Mum
XX








Tuesday 15 April 2014

Full Moon

Dear Ella,

Last night was a full moon - no reason not to head to Koh Phangan in Thailand  for the "full moon" party - assuming you are 18 and called Sophie Redman!  Lovely - lets hope she's OK and enjoyed the company of 30,000 other people.

Am working on the basis that no news is good news?

Older and wiser people would tell me its called "learning to let go" - hard when I have already let go of you.   But that's my problem and not Sophies.

No doubt at all that you would have made your way there at some point and danced all night on the edge of the balmy ocean under the lunar light - appreciating the astronomical wonder a little more than many others on the same strip of beach.

No such thing in my day - but am sure in many other ways I caused my Mum no end of anxiety as I disappeared off the radar heading to Australia and beyond - not a mobile phone in sight, aerograms if she was lucky and just the simple belief that her work was done and I had learnt and absorbed enough to navigate my way through wise and not such wise decisions and choices.  Here I am!

Lots of love

Mum

xxx

Thursday 10 April 2014

Chilly Spring Evenings

Dear Ella,

Warm Spring days - but chilly Spring evenings - just like when we first moved into Allington.

Chilly enough to throw a few logs into the wood burner and settle in for the evening - very cozy and peaceful.

Its made Brian and Fizz very happy as well - stretched out in front of the fire like a couple of animal skins!

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Wednesday 9 April 2014

Cold Pizza and comfy shoes

Dear Ella,

Out for dinner tonight - couldn't manage all my pizza - so great news there is some in a carry out box in the fridge for your breakfast.  Goodness you loved cold pizza (and I mean really fridge cold) first thing in the morning, whenever first thing was.  Not sure I will manage it for breakfast - will rise to the challenge for lunch and of course as ever think of you when I am eating it.

Spring/summer time approaches - hurrah, but what to do about shoes (remember that old chestnut?) - without being uncomfortable, being able to walk miles, not get to hot, not to look too old, frumpy or even "lesbienish" - think I might have have cracked it - "memory foam Sketchers flex appeal".  Should be good with a title so long it hardly fits on the box!

I tried them out tonight and blissfuly trekked round to Millennium Square for half a Pizza - more of bounce than a trek.

Lots of love

Mum
XX




Tuesday 8 April 2014

Familiar

Dear Ella,

So far - a week of familiar feelings and events - some lovely, some not so lovely.

7am - Monday - a half dead frog, squealing on the kitchen floor - haven't seen one of those in a while - not lovely

6.30pm - Monday - a run, muddy, peaceful and so good for the soul.  Could almost remember back to the days when I would take off for a run from Glentworth and head off round the Downs.  Your little face pressed up against the window to watch for me coming back - well sometimes.  Lovely

Lunchtime - Tuesday - confirming flights to go on a holiday, that lovely fluttery excited feeling - haven't felt that one in a while

7.30pm - Tuesday - a dingy church hall back room, ill assorted furniture, erratic heating, random unloved objects cast about, a collection of people looking ill at ease - wishing they could be anywhere else other than there.  Long silences as each struggles to find the right words.  And they call this "support" - lets hope so, but hard to imagine.  Not lovely

Lots of love

Mum
XX






Saturday 5 April 2014

Grand National Day

Dear Ella

It's that time of the year - Grand National and those words "there is something in your shoulder we don't like the look of".  Remember it so clearly…..we heard the words, wept in disbelief, sat on a bench on the downs, said it will never happen - and that was the hope we lived with for the next two and a half years.

We had to live with hope - it gets you through.

As promised U Jim placed a bet for you to day…


Ella's horse for me - (£5 bet on) - One in a Milan (Million!)

Of course you are one in a million - it didn't win - a bit like you…… but not for want of trying.

Lots of love
Mum
xxx