Saturday, 4 February 2017

I Forgot

Dear Ella

I love this...

"Stay hungry, stay foolish"

Lots of love



Dear Ella

Moments of incredulity happen randomly and for no reason at all as in a particular trigger that reminds me of you.  Incredulous that you really aren't here.  How can that be.....???

You come pushing through to the forefront of my mind, sharp, clear and very vivid - so close and yet so far, if only I could reach out and touch you.  But I can't.

Helpless - but pragmatic - I move on, taking you and Sophie me with every step of my way - trundling on through life, making it up as I go, like we all do I suppose.

Lots of love


Monday, 21 November 2016

It's raining, it's pouring

Dear Ela,

It's raining, it's pouring - just exactly like it was four years ago when you went on your way.

Lots of people got in touch with lovely messages then (as they are now), and one person said "its like they sky is crying and can't stop, because you have gone".   So the skies are crying again and so am I - though not as publicly as the skies.

Today should be no different to any other day of the year, I miss you no less or more than I do on the other 364.  But - it's far more poignant and vivid - especially yesterday, which I see really as "the day".

The long, long day when you spoke to me for the last time early in the morning before dropping into some kind of a halfway state - neither here nor gone and rested while you waited for your time to come - just after midnight in the very early hours of 21 November.    And - all the time the rain poured down, relentlessly, people came and went, the hours clocked on - we chatted to you, and hugged you and held your hand and endlessly told you we loved you and wanted you to stay.  But of course you couldn't, the fighting was done, the battle was lost and the big C was well and truly in charge and running havoc through your beautiful body.

So here we are - four long years on, getting on with life and stuff as best as we can - its sometimes really quite brilliant and other times really quite awful.

I often sit quietly at Allington and listen to see if I can hear you coming downstairs - ambling along, your sling on, bobble hat askew, pyjama's creased and warm from being asleep and your purple dressing gown draped around you.  "Can I have a hug and a cup of tea"?   "Of course you can my love -   sit down, I'll pop the kettle on - but lets have that hug first".

Missing you more and more

Lots of love


Saturday, 3 September 2016

Sharp and accentuated

Dear Ella,

Accentuated sharp bursts of "missing you" so much feelings appear at frequent but unexpected times and moments.  Far more intense than the constant underlying sadness that sits somewhere just under my heart and skin.

The intensity of these "bursts" disorientate and knock me off course and I have to grip tight to keep on keel and carry on, because of course they always happen in the most unexpected and public spaces.

And, am I missing you specifically or missing my two little girls and those heady innocent days when I was the centre of your universe and you were usually the centre of mine.   Both.   I want you now as  a beautiful independent 24 year old, popping in and out of my life as you see fit and you and Sophie as adorable children tumbling into my bedroom on a Saturday morning (early) full of energy and anticipation for a weekend packed with nothing in particular other than stuff we wanted to do.

Now its Saturday morning again - peaceful and quiet in my beautiful "new ballroom" in the sky.  My treat to me to spoil and indulge and give me a space to retreat and hide.

Did you see our girl turning 21 back in August - a milestone in many ways.  Against all the odds she made it - pushing on in her own faltering way with very tentative steps that are often backwards, but more recently and wonderfully slightly forward.  She's beautiful, smart and scared as hell…… and really needs her big sister more than ever.

In her room there is always a picture of Ella and Sophie as little girls, burnt brown on holiday in Greece, smiling away for the camera.  Perhaps she too yearns for the care free days of childhood when life was simple and innocent.

Missing you as always

Lots of love

Friday, 5 August 2016

Ok, Ok so you are 24 now!

Dear Ella,

OK - so what you turned 24 in July - what's the big deal and BTW what the f… are you doing???

Would love to know - drop me a note or send me a message. Of course you do all the time………. in fact you are positively noisy sitting on my shoulder, sighing with exasperation, rolling your eyes and sometimes, just sometimes cheering me on in a slightly proud parent role reversal way that only confident 20 somethings can only do.

Think I turned a corner or three back in July - in fact just around your birthday, so is 4 my new magic number as in its coming up-to nearly 4 years ago since you left……

"Life is to short" and all that jazz - now resonates all the time - come on Redman - pick up the pace and crack on and just do stuff that inspires, energises and moves me forward.

So have been out and about - France, WOMAD and opening up Allington to be a house of social….

Think gratitude - back on the 3 BT's

Lots of love

Monday, 16 May 2016

More bloody running

Dear Ella

Bemused and laughing is how I imagined you yesterday as I trudged round yet another Bristol 10K.   The sun shone, the runners and supporters mustered and we are off for Run4Ella 4.   It started early with the lovely Annie Archer running in Malawi and then we picked up the baton in Bristol.

It just seems to be an easy way that we can come together and so some good for TCT and put you on the main agenda for the day

Bemused and laughing - because of course you never really liked running or sport full stop.  I think you had a pair of trainers that Laura Pepper gave you - but they looked unused when I handed them over to the charity shop a while ago.

We ran (and sweated) through the streets with the sun shining down - Bristol never looked so lovely and we took our total funds raised over the four years to over £152k  - thats a lot of cash for the TCT

Photos to follow

Ella Redman - we love you

Lots of love


Saturday, 30 April 2016

I'm back

Dear Ella,

I'm back - can't think why I ever quite stopped writing to you, I do all the time in my head - just not fingers to keyboard and onto said blog page.

Anyway - your going to get it now - a torrent of ramblings and words need to be tumbled out - hopefully in some kind of sane or more likely insane way.

Where to start…..

Beautiful flowers arrived today - from someone I really don't even know that well - just sending their love and thoughts.

Several phone calls today from friends to simply  ask "how are you and…….."

A continual sense of mild alertness - not quite sure whats going to happen next……

Wondering for ever what you would be doing, thinking and saying if you were here….. am sure it would always start with "MUM…… for goodness sake….."

Rain just stopped play - so can't  mow the lawn - yes am still mildly interested in the area at the back of Allington - comonly known as the garden.

Year 56 approaching…. no surely not, but yes……… and I know because:

  • Yes - I now like listening to Radio 4 - sometimes
  • I like going out early and coming home early - sometimes
  • I make funny groany type noises as I stand up - sometimes
  • I like doing nothing in particular and can do that for a long time
  • Driving at night is not much fun at all

Missing you loads as always

All my love